There’s a certain feeling that arises when coaching someone who just gets it. Someone who is open-minded, takes your advice to heart, and has those satisfying “aha” moments when they suddenly recognize a pattern they never noticed before—you can almost see a new synaptic connection forming. As a coach, you feel a mixture of pride, joy, relief, and inspiration.
And then you meet the challengers. The defiers. The nemeses.
People with difficult personalities aren’t bad people—they’re just different. They’ve had different life histories and different career experiences, and have different perspectives that have formed their narrative. Some of them have never been told the truth, never been given constructive feedback, or never been allowed to fail. Like every other coachee, these factors shape how they respond to coaching—and to you.
Here’s how to coach some of the most common challenging types calmly, patiently, and effectively.
#1: The Know-It-All
What they say:
- “I’ve been doing this for years.”
- “I already know that.”
- “That’s not an issue for me.”
What’s actually going on: Their job—and their accomplishments—make up a large chunk of their identity. If they were to admit there’s something to learn, they’d feel incompetent, incapable, or weak. Being corrected is a major blow to their ego.
What not to do:
- Don’t overload them with theory.
- Don’t directly challenge their opinion or tell them they’re wrong.
- Don’t make it all negative.
What works instead:
- Shift from knowledge to results. “I recognize that you may already know this. The question is: are you getting the outcome you want? Is there something, no matter how small, that could be better?”
- Use experiments, not arguments. “Try this for two weeks. If nothing changes, we drop it and try something else.”
- Ask thought-provoking questions. “If nothing needs improvement, why are we here?” “If several people point out the same issue, what does that say?” “What is the biggest misconception people have of you?”
#2: The Excuse Generator
What they say:
- “That wasn’t my fault.”
- “They misunderstood me.”
- “The system is broken.”
What’s actually going on: When children are caught doing something wrong, their first instinct is often to shift blame—to the point where they’ll insist they didn’t do it, despite blatant, chocolatey evidence to the contrary (“No, I didn’t eat the chocolate.”). We don’t always grow out of this tendency, though our excuses do become far more sophisticated. Excuses protect our self-image because responsibility feels like blame. If they own the behavior, they feel exposed.
What not to do:
- Don’t challenge or debate each excuse.
- Don’t get pulled into “Yes, but…” arguments.
- Don’t become their problem-solver.
What works instead:
- Track patterns. “This issue was mentioned three times in your 360 evaluation. What do you think is at the root of it? What role could you have played in it?”
- Return responsibility. “Let’s put others aside for now. What could you have done differently?”
- Refuse to fight about fairness. Fairness discussions go nowhere. Focus on the impact of their actions—and their excuses.
#3: The “That’s Just Who I Am” Person
What they say:
- “I’m blunt.”
- “That’s my style.”
- “People just need to accept me as I am.”
What’s actually going on: They’ve turned fixable issues into personality traits. By saying “this is who I am,” they make the behavior seem unchangeable and shift attention away from accountability. If you challenge the validity of that claim, they may see it as you rejecting who they are.
What not to do:
- Don’t focus on personality traits. Focus on behaviors, actions, and outcomes.
- Don’t label them (“difficult,” “stubborn,” or “not self-aware,”).
- Don’t say “You need to change.”
What works instead:
- Separate identity from impact. “There is nothing wrong with being direct. The issue is how it lands.” Then offer a calibration: “Keep the straightforwardness. Use more diplomacy.”
- Use consequences, not moral language. “When that happens, people shut down. You lose credibility and trust.”
- Ask this question: “Will approaching this differently help you get what you want?” It helps shift the conversation away from defending personal style and toward the outcomes the person hopes to achieve.
#4: The Perpetual Victim
What they say:
- “No one supports me.”
- “They’re targeting me.”
- “I had no choice.”
What’s actually going on: A victim mindset, while limiting, often serves a protective function. Seeing oneself as wronged can reduce feelings of guilt, preserve self-worth, and invite support from others. However, growth can only begin when someone is able to examine both external factors and their own role in the pattern.
What not to do:
- Don’t invalidate their feelings.
- Don’t say “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.”
- Don’t try to prove them wrong.
What works instead:
- Shift from focusing on the past to focusing on the present. “Given that this happened, what’s the next best step?”
- Look for patterns without accusation. “Do you notice a common theme across these situations?” Remember, they don’t need to be less sensitive or less emotional. They need to recognize their strengths and their personal power. They need to feel that emotional shift.
- Acknowledge emotion, redirect control. “That sounds frustrating. What part of this can you influence?” Keep the focus on agency, fostering accountability, empowerment, self-trust, and self-reliance.
#5: The Passive Resister
They nod. They participate in discussions and do the homework you assign—though without much thought or effort. You can sense that they are not fully present or applying themselves.
What they say:
- “Sounds good.”
- “I’ll keep that in mind.”
- “I’ll try to get to that later.”
What’s actually going on: Some people may resist coaching because they didn’t have much choice in the matter (e.g., a mandatory team development program). Others may feel they don’t really need it or won’t benefit from it (e.g., “Coaching is not going to fix the fact that I hate my job.”). And some may view the whole concept of coaching with skepticism—or even disdain—because they don’t weigh soft skills as heavily as other competencies.
What not to do:
- Don’t mistake their politeness for agreement. Look beyond surface responses.
- Don’t prompt them for answers. Let the question land and give them time to think.
- Don’t accept vague comments. Encourage them to elaborate.
What works instead:
- Ask for specifics. “What exactly will you do differently this week?” When resistors lean toward vagueness, respond with clarity.
- Invite disagreement directly. Ask:”Explain why you feel this won’t work.” And make a conscious effort to see the situation from their perspective. You might say, “I understand these ideas may feel a bit theoretical, but I’d like you to try implementing one or two of the suggestions and see what happens.”
- Make inaction visible. “We’ve gone over this twice. What’s blocking execution?”
The Bottom Line
The goal of coaching isn’t to try to get them to admit they’re wrong. Instead, help them see that their current behavior is inefficient. Help them recognize the impact.
Most difficult personalities care about one thing: results. If you can show that change improves their position—status, effectiveness, credibility, influence, ease—they’ll listen.
Learn more about ARCH Profile’s coaching services here.
If you want to assess a person’s level of coachability, check out CTAA (Coachability and Trainability Attitude Assessment).