You’d think that bullying would stop after leaving high school and, you know, becoming a mature adult. And the truth is that some bullies actually do grow out of this “tendency,” so to speak, and feel remorseful for their actions, which is great. Sadly, some don’t. So while I am always dismayed when I hear stories of bullying at work, I’m also not entirely surprised.
Generally, most forms of workplace bullying are pretty obvious. Insults, practical jokes, intimidation, spreading rumors, and social isolation are the most common. And I’m not just talking about coworkers—managers can be bullies too. Bullying managers can publicly humiliate someone, intimidate them into compliance, threaten their job, punish them for small mistakes, or saddle them with impossible workloads.
What I want to cover in this blog is the more subtle forms of bullying that are more easily dismissed with cop-outs like:
“It was only a joke.”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
“That’s just how this person communicates.”
And that’s exactly why subtle bullying can be so damaging. It gives the person doing it just enough plausible deniability, while the person on the receiving end starts questioning whether the problem is real. I can assure you, it is.
Here are some subtle forms of office bullying that shouldn’t be ignored.
1. Hoarding information.
One of the easiest ways to put someone’s work and job at risk is to keep them out of the loop.
A bully might “forget” to CC you on important emails, not invite you to meetings you should attend, fail to share updates, or give everyone else context while letting you walk into a project or meeting blind.
For example, your colleague, John, may know that a deadline changed, but he doesn’t pass that information along to you. So you’re working late to get things done on time, only to find out later that the deadline was postponed. All the while, John is smirking as he watches you scramble.
Mean? Yes. Bullying behavior? Absolutely.
Of course, mistakes happen. People get forgotten on emails. Meetings can get scheduled or rescheduled at the last minute. Information gets miscommunicated. However, when you’re the one who is repeatedly missing information that everyone else seems to have, it’s not just a brain fart.
Withholding information can make you look disorganized, unprepared, or incompetent when the real issue is that you weren’t given what you needed to succeed.
2. Using “jokes” to criticize or humiliate.
How can humor possibly be harmful? Because humor can wrap something awful in pretty paper. Some people use humor to hide fear, emotional pain, or discomfort. They can also use it to hide bullying. Sarcasm, backhanded compliments, or insults covered up with a laugh are all forms of bullying.
For example, a colleague might make a comment like, “Careful, don’t ask [your name] to handle it unless you want it finished sometime next year,” and then laugh like it’s harmless. If you stand up for yourself and say something like, “That’s not funny and it’s uncalled for,” your bully has an easy escape hatch: “Relax, I was joking.”
A joke here or there is not an issue per se. However, when it consistently targets you, embarrasses you in front of others, or touches on insecurities, mistakes, or your competence, it’s absolutely not harmless. It’s a tactic to undermine you, bait you, or make you look bad.
3. Publicly questioning someone’s competence.
There’s a difference between holding someone accountable and making them look incompetent in front of everyone.
Subtle bullying can show up as repeatedly correcting you in public, questioning your abilities, or “just asking” comments that make you appear careless or unqualified.
For example, a bullying manager might say during a meeting:
“Are you sure that’s right?”
“How did you come to that conclusion?”
“Let’s have someone with more experience take a look before we rely on this.”
Again, any one of these comments might be reasonable—in the right context. But when it happens a lot, is aimed at you repeatedly, and is delivered in a way that embarrasses you rather than improves your work, it’s a problem.
A good manager corrects issues in private; a bully does it in front of an audience. Some managers feel public humiliation ensures compliance, but all it does is give the person a reason to leave—a good reason.
4. Harsh accountability.
Some employees are held to a different standard than everyone else.
They’re criticized for small mistakes others get away with. They’re expected to explain every decision. Their work is inspected more harshly. They’re punished for breaking a rule that others get away with.
I want to point out that strict accountability is occasionally used for employees who have performance issues. They may need a firmer hand to get them on the right path. However, if you’re a strong performer and you’re being held to a standard that others aren’t, it may be bullying.
When you try to explain this micromanaging, unfair behavior to, say, HR or upper management, it sounds kind of reasonable. But that’s exactly how subtle bullying often works.
5. Weaponizing silence or coldness.
Silence is a powerful tool. In a negotiation, silence can signal confidence. If you state your terms and then stop talking, the other person may feel pressure to respond, clarify, or make a concession. Silence can also be powerful when someone insults you. Instead of defending yourself right away, you can simply sit there, look at them calmly, and let the insult hang in the air long enough for them to realize how ridiculous they sound.
But there’s a difference between using silence with restraint and using silence as a weapon.
When a colleague ignores your questions, freezes you out of conversations, or gives you the cold shoulder to punish you, it’s bullying. And it’s especially damaging because it’s easy to deny.
“What? I’m just busy.”
“I didn’t notice your message.”
“I can’t always drop everything to answer you. I have my own work to do.”
If you’re consistently treated like you’re invisible, unwelcome, or beneath basic courtesy, it’s a sign of disrespect.
The issue with subtle bullying is that each behavior can be explained away if you look at it in isolation. One sarcastic comment is harmless. One missed meeting invite is a slip-up. One cold reply is just someone having a bad day.
My point is not to look at single incidents. Look for patterns.
- Is the same person repeatedly being embarrassed, excluded, blamed, ignored, interrupted, dismissed, or treated differently?
- Is someone’s confidence or performance changing after repeated interactions with a particular person?
- Are people afraid to speak honestly around one employee or manager?
- Do certain “jokes” always seem to be about the same target?
A respectful workplace isn’t only one where people aren’t yelling at each other. It’s one where people aren’t made to feel like every day is something they just have to get through.
Is your team getting along, or is there something going on? Check out ARCH Profile’s TEAM 360 to spot problems before they get worse.